“Destruction is certain for those who drag their sins behind them, tied with cords of falsehood.” Isaiah 5:18

Although I had received salvation through my belief and acceptance of Jesus Christ as my savior and was steadily growing in my faith, prior to this ministry I had not repented for many sins, partially because I was unaware of how certain sins had entered my life in the first place. The roots of those sins still lay deep under the surface, causing patterns of thinking and behavior that constantly left me frustrated, ashamed, doubtful, and ultimately unable to see myself and others the way that God does.

My father left my mom and I for another woman when I was an infant, and I haven’t seen him since. He never paid child support or reached out in any way my entire life. Growing up fatherless as a little girl left me feeling abandoned and rejected. As I got older and learned more details about him, the unforgiveness I felt multiplied into resentment, bitterness, and a fear of men and how they might treat me. Although deep down I longed for a father’s love and acceptance, I eventually convinced myself that a father figure must not really be necessary and that men were to be feared and not trusted, which translated into my view of God. Even when I was blessed with an amazing stepfather, those attitudes continued to permeate my life as I held onto that unforgiveness toward my father.

I looked for approval, love, and comfort in so many places. I thrived on praise from teachers and coaches for my academic and athletic performance, and I hated myself if I didn’t do something perfectly. In my teenage years I sought attention from men to feel good about myself. I gradually developed a very unhealthy sexual lifestyle of wanting to control all of my encounters with men in order to protect myself from being hurt while also fueling my lust for approval. Self-hatred and insecurity intensified the more I lived this way, which led me to become addicted to makeup and beauty products. I hated the way I looked and always felt like there was something ugly or wrong that needed to be covered up, fixed, beautified, or perfected in order to be good enough to be seen. I relied on myself to control every circumstance around me in order to feel safe, loved, and comfortable. It got to a point in my marriage that I was too afraid to even talk with my husband about having children because becoming pregnant and having a child would mean losing control over so many things-my body, my time, my routines, my lifestyle, and my relationship with my husband- and it scared me too much to even entertain the thought. At this point I was a believer and I was blessed with so many things in my life, but I was still a mess on the inside. I’d finally had enough, so when I heard about Grace Restoration Home I decided to give it a try.

Spending one-on-one time with God in my sessions, led by the godly counsel of the GRH staff, opened my eyes to how I had allowed sin into my life and how it had been operating behind the scenes planting doubts and lies about God, which had been twisting my perceptions of myself and the circumstances around me in countless ways. Through this ministry I learned how to call upon the power available to us in the name of Jesus Christ to repent for my sins and declare victory over them. The GRH staff led me in prayers to do so and encouraged me to be praying this way on my own. I forgave my father and little by little I repented for the unforgiveness, distrust, fear, control, and so many other things I had allowed into my life. As time went on and I continued implementing what I had learned in my sessions, I noticed a tremendous change in my thought patterns and behavior. I began to be able to discern God’s voice from the voice of the enemy and separate truth from lies much more easily. My relationship with my husband got better than ever, I developed deeper relationships with friends, and I became bolder in sharing the gospel through my testimony of how God had been healing me through this ministry. I have gradually been letting go of the dependence on makeup and beauty products as God continues to heal my perception of myself. I’ve even been able to go out in public with no makeup on recently, which I used to be absolutely terrified about and hadn’t done in years. As I write this I am pregnant with our first child because I was finally able to let go of control and give it to God where it always belonged. Above all, the desire to hear from my Heavenly Father through his Word and in prayer has increased dramatically, which is proof of how my relationship with Him has truly been restored. I am forever grateful for the work God has done in me through Grace Restoration Home.